Not such a great day . . .

Well eating and exercise wise it was fine but it was a stressful emotional day for me.  I really try hard to treat people with respect and I am always amazed that 80% of people do not return the courtesy.

For someone like me emotions are dangerous to dieting because I am an emotional eater, when I am mad, upset, sad, tired I eat so days like today are really hard for me.  I made it through though without resorting to trying to eat myself better.  For that I am proud!

I feel out of step sometimes, like I have lost myself trying to find myself.  As a child and teenager I was a horrible person.  Selfish, greedy, disrespectful you name it I was it but that was not who I truly was and in my heart I knew that but I could not let anyone push me around, let anyone walk on me because weakness back then meant torment for me and my brother and sister.  I had to be strong and make sure they didn't get pushed around so I did everything I thought I should do to be tough even though hurting people hurt me too.

But then something happened, I realized that if I didn't change my life I would end up like so many people I knew, a drug addict, and alcoholic in jail that's where I was headed so I decided that leaving New York was the only way to change.  I needed to go somewhere that I could start over, be the person I was inside without all the baggage of reputations and pretensions to keep up.

So I found myself in Arizona, not know anyone including my family here and at first it was difficult, so I ate because I hurt and was still very angry inside.  So I slowly started to build a life out of nothing, my husband saved me, showed me that I could be loved for who I am not who I was.  He put up with so much to be with me because back then I was pretty messed up but he stuck by me and slowly showed me that I was worth something.

My Aunt and my cousin ( you know who you are ) were also there for me in some of my troubling times, I know they didn't like me all the time but I knew they loved me and I had no idea what to do with that. . .

So anyway I digress, I guess I needed to get that out because wow I was not expecting to write all of that but I'm glad I did because this is the root of my eating disorder.

Thanks for hanging in there if you read this whole post lol tomorrow I will be more productive but for tonight thanks for listening, I needed that.

Kisses,

Valinda