Emotions

We blogger buds, I am an emotional wreck right now.  I think the last 6 months has caught up with me, I miss my Uncle Rich a lot, I re-live his last day over and over wanting to feel like the decisions I made were right, wanting to tell him one more time that I love him, that he was never alone that he was special to me.

My mom, I love her no matter what she thinks but it's not enough.  Not enough to fix her or us or anything.  This week I really feel like my heart has been crushed under an insurmountable weight that I can't breath and when I do it hurts.

But, I have not wavered in my resolve to lose weight, I have not eaten my feelings away.  Maybe that's why I am feeling them so much right now because I'm not hiding behind food for comfort.  It's so hard, I want to eat something disgusting and greasy something so full of fat and calories that when I'm done I'll feel like a bloated elephant.

However, I refuse to give in.  I will not let my emotions lead me to that ever again.  Food is not therapy, it is not a friend or a shoulder to cry on.

We eat to live and I no longer live to eat.  I am done with that part of my life.  Putting it behind me for a future filled with bright tomorrows.  If you are reading this please live your life to the fullest that is my prayer for everyone enjoy life it is too short.

Kisses

Valinda

Uncle Rich, My Grump

-2lbs

Well I'm down another 2 pounds which brings my total to 7 pounds lost on this new journey.  Such a small number with a big meaning.  1 sack of potatoes that you buy at the grocery store weights 5lbs, picture that off of my body . . . in that regard 7lbs is a huge number.

I did good today, I walked with a friend at lunch today, drank 2 bottles of water ( i'm working on it) made good food choices and only had one cup of coffee today, which was the hardest part of my day because I love my coffee!  I am italian after all, coffee and pasta sigh . . . . . . . .

Any way I was proud of myself and I am happy to be on he right track again.  I need to build up my stamina again to get back to the exercise I was doing before but I am working on it.

I am no longer snacking at night while I play my Facebook games, when I am snacking it's veggies.

My Dr. will be be happy I am back on track too.  Diabetes runs rampant in my family and the olny way to avoid getting it is to lose weight.  Did you know that if you lose 10% of you total weight no matter how heavy you are that you reduce your risk of developing diabetes by 30%? WOW!!

Also if you add a serving of nuts (except peanuts) to your diet every day it reduces your chances and additional 10%.

Type 2 Diabetes is a man made disease.  We invented it by being lazy, eating crappy processed foods and way too much sugar and sodium.  But you can reverse the effects if you take charge of you diet and weight now!!!!

My dad said something the other day to me and it made me laugh and also made sense to me he said and I quote " When man invented the wheel he invented laziness" yes your mind was just blown . . . .

Until tomorrow

Kisses

Valinda

I might have had a drink or two in the picture . . .

Fun and family!

Hello blog friends!

I had a pretty rough weekend (emotionally) and I ate some pizza, but I still exercised and we went to my brother and sister in laws house on Saturday and hung out at the park with the kids, I didn't exercise as much as everyone else (I was busy playing with Aiden!) but I did get some and it was nice being out in the sun and cool weather.  Thanks Jen for suggesting it!

I have been eating better, money has been really tight but I am hoping that maybe I can get enough money together to buy myself a new treadmill for my birthday.  My treadmill really got me on track last time but due to circumstances out of my control it stopped working.  I think I paid $150 for it at Wal-Mart (no laughing) but I will say that little thing was perfect.  I could move it by myself and I just loved it.

I have an elliptical but I think I need to start on the treadmill and work up to it because it discourages me very fast when I am on it.  So fingers crossed I can figure out the finances for that one!

I cut up some cucumbers tonight, I have been on a chip kick and I am trying to rid myself of it, I realized that I really only wanted the dip!  The chip was just the vessel to my dip obsession so I am using cucumbers instead!  Imagine that!  I get the dip and none of the chip and the vitamins that are in the cucumbers, I do not know why I didn't think of it sooner! (probably because I was stuck in fat land but I digress)

SO I will have some recipes for you later tonight as soon as I wash the dye outta my hair!

Kisses,

Valinda

Yep that's me I haven't hit a softball in years!

Not such a great day . . .

Well eating and exercise wise it was fine but it was a stressful emotional day for me.  I really try hard to treat people with respect and I am always amazed that 80% of people do not return the courtesy.

For someone like me emotions are dangerous to dieting because I am an emotional eater, when I am mad, upset, sad, tired I eat so days like today are really hard for me.  I made it through though without resorting to trying to eat myself better.  For that I am proud!

I feel out of step sometimes, like I have lost myself trying to find myself.  As a child and teenager I was a horrible person.  Selfish, greedy, disrespectful you name it I was it but that was not who I truly was and in my heart I knew that but I could not let anyone push me around, let anyone walk on me because weakness back then meant torment for me and my brother and sister.  I had to be strong and make sure they didn't get pushed around so I did everything I thought I should do to be tough even though hurting people hurt me too.

But then something happened, I realized that if I didn't change my life I would end up like so many people I knew, a drug addict, and alcoholic in jail that's where I was headed so I decided that leaving New York was the only way to change.  I needed to go somewhere that I could start over, be the person I was inside without all the baggage of reputations and pretensions to keep up.

So I found myself in Arizona, not know anyone including my family here and at first it was difficult, so I ate because I hurt and was still very angry inside.  So I slowly started to build a life out of nothing, my husband saved me, showed me that I could be loved for who I am not who I was.  He put up with so much to be with me because back then I was pretty messed up but he stuck by me and slowly showed me that I was worth something.

My Aunt and my cousin ( you know who you are ) were also there for me in some of my troubling times, I know they didn't like me all the time but I knew they loved me and I had no idea what to do with that. . .

So anyway I digress, I guess I needed to get that out because wow I was not expecting to write all of that but I'm glad I did because this is the root of my eating disorder.

Thanks for hanging in there if you read this whole post lol tomorrow I will be more productive but for tonight thanks for listening, I needed that.

Kisses,

Valinda

Tuna and a Bike Ride

Good evening friends!  Today for dinner I had tuna on wheat toasted in my convection oven and it was AWESOME!  After 3 days I already feel better.   My stomach aches are almost gone now where I was having them every night.  The heartburn is gone too.

Just the little bit of exercise I am doing is making a huge difference.  Getting your heart pumping, your legs moving and lets be honest here who has better weather than Arizona right now amirite??  76 degrees when I left the house for my ride!

So I'm feeling encouraged, I have done really well sticking to my "new" old eating plan and am feeling full after my meals.  Drinking water, slowly it's hard getting back on that one but I determined to do it.

I will revel in my small accomplishments and  enjoy my baby steps for now.

What about you?  Share your accomplishments in the comments so we can all hoot and hollar over the great things you have done!

My posts will become more useful, I intend to go over how to read a nutrition label and speak about the dreaded carb choices, portion sizes and veggies I need to go back to my nutrutionist this week so she can make sure what I am saying is correct!  Till tomorrow or later tonight!

Kisses

Valinda

This was where I was last year this month :(

228

That's how much I weigh, just 10 lbs short of my all time high of 238.

I am embarrassed that I let it get the best of me again.  I was down to 171 at my best.  But in May I took a different position with my company.  It caused a lot of late nights, working weekends which leads to some of the curse words in my life

McDonald's
Panda Express
Jack in the Box

You get the idea.  Yes I got lazy and the most aggravating part?  I was so sick to my stomach when I started eating the junk again but I ATE IT ANYWAY.  I am defiantly addicted to food, it is my own brand of herion (shameless Twilight reference here).

So today again, I am back to counting carbs, balancing meal plans cutting out junk food (and diet soda) this time I am also putting the kabosh on alcohol.  No more drinking it leads to binge eating and poor judgement.  Anyway for those that know me I'm just as fun sober as a little tipsy.

So friends, I ask that you stick around to come back with me on this journey, to share on this forum your accomplishments and your failures.  You will not be judged, but supported and I ask that you give me whatever spare support you have as I will need it.  I am sorry I was gone for so long but I am back now and the only thing that's leaving this time is the weight.

Kisses,

Valinda